How to manage people who used to be your peers
By Brendan Levin. 15+ years in senior operating roles, including Managing Director of a VC-backed fintech.
Key takeaways
- It feels like a feelings problem, but the durable fix is structural.
- Reset roles, decision rights, and ownership openly rather than hoping goodwill carries you.
- Over-indexing on being liked is what creates the resentment you fear.
- Clarity is kinder than ambiguity, for them and for you.
Why does managing former peers feel so hard?
The relationship changed but the structure did not. Yesterday you were equals trading notes in the same room. Today you decide, and nobody redrew the lines that say who owns what now. So you are operating inside a structure that still describes the old equality while your actual role describes something else, and everyone feels the gap. The discomfort is real, and it is structural, not personal. You did not become a worse colleague overnight. You inherited a seat whose lines were never redrawn.
The mistake: treating it as a feelings problem
The instinct is to soften it. Stay one of the gang, downplay the change, win them over so nobody feels demoted by your promotion. It feels generous, but it leaves the roles ambiguous, and ambiguity is what actually breeds resentment. Because eventually you have to make a call, and when you do from inside a relationship you carefully kept flat, it lands as a betrayal rather than a normal part of the structure. The warmth you offered to avoid friction is exactly what set the friction up.
The structural reset
Name the new roles, decision rights, and ownership explicitly and early, in the open. Not in a hallway aside, but as a clear conversation: here is what I now own, here is what is yours to call, here is what good looks like. You are not asking permission to lead, and you are not apologizing for the promotion. You are removing ambiguity so nobody has to guess where the lines are. This is the Delivery side of the Momentum Engine, the part where direction and decision rights actually move work, and it does the quiet work that goodwill cannot.
What about a former peer who is openly resentful?
Handle it as a role conversation, not a friendship repair. The pull is to smooth it over personally, to get the rapport back, but that aims at the wrong target. Be clear about what you own, what they own, and what good looks like in their work, and let the structure carry the relationship. Resentment usually feeds on ambiguity about the new lines, the sense that the rules changed and nobody said how. Clarity starves it. You are not trying to make them like the change. You are making the change legible enough that they can work inside it.
How do I set expectations without sounding like I have changed?
You have changed roles, and saying so plainly is more respectful than pretending you have not. The version where you quietly start behaving differently and hope nobody notices is the one that actually feels like betrayal. Name it once: my role is different now, here is what that means for how we work together. Then set the structure, the ownership and decision rights and the standard for good, and be consistent about it. Said once and held steadily, the change reads as honesty. Left unsaid and seeping out in inconsistent calls, it reads as a person you can no longer trust.
Not sure where the lines blurred? The free Executive Momentum Diagnostic maps where your week goes and names the structure to reset first.
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How do I manage people who used to be my peers?
Treat it as structure, not friendship. The relationship changed when the org chart did, so name the new reality openly: what you now own, what they own, what decisions are theirs to make, and what good looks like. Your authority should rest on the structure of the work, not on staying liked. Reset the roles early and in the open, then be consistent. The discomfort fades once the lines are clear.
A former peer is resentful I got promoted, what do I do?
Handle it as a role conversation, not a friendship repair. Sit down and be explicit about what you own, what they own, and what good looks like in their work. Resentment almost always feeds on ambiguity about the new lines, so clarity starves it. Do not try to win back goodwill with softness, that leaves the roles vague and makes the resentment worse. Name the structure, then hold it consistently.
How do I set boundaries with friends I now manage?
Separate the friendship from the role and say so plainly. You can still be warm, but the working relationship now runs on roles, ownership, and decision rights, not on being one of the gang. Name what you own and what they own, set what good looks like, and apply it evenly. Clear boundaries are kinder than ambiguous ones, because they tell your friend exactly where they stand instead of leaving them to guess.
Should I act differently now that I am their manager?
Yes, and pretending otherwise is the mistake. Your role changed, so the structure around the work has to change with it. That does not mean acting cold or self-important, it means making decisions, owning outcomes, and being clear about ownership in a way a peer would not. Saying the change out loud once is more respectful than quietly behaving differently and hoping nobody notices. Name it, set the structure, stay consistent.
How do I earn a team’s trust after a promotion?
Trust follows clear structure and consistency, not friendliness. Teams trust a manager who tells them what they own, what decisions are theirs, and what good looks like, then applies it evenly week after week. Trying to be liked first leaves everything ambiguous, and ambiguity is what erodes trust. Set the roles and decision rights openly, hold the line, and trust compounds from the predictability, not from the rapport.